Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
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People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Breaking news:
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
(Electricians.)
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.