11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
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o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
We decided to have money instead of children.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
A Short Story.