Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
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*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.