CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
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You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
three things we don’t talk about
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.