Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
You Might Also Like
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month