Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
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“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
The Weeknd is back
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.