If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
You Might Also Like
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.