Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
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Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
What flavor cupcake are these
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Why font matters.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
i prefer mine room temperature.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain