I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
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alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.