in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
One venti cheeseburger please.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.