of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
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Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
pls suprot
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it