This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.