I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
You Might Also Like
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’