me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
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Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?