Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
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People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday