My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.