馃槀馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Elton John: 馃幍Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday馃幍
Me: Jesus Christ, we鈥檙e just going bowling.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won鈥檛 let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I have a dream that one day I鈥檒l be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.