giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
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Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb