a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE