I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
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My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Breaking news:
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
#dnd #ttrpg
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Guilty! 🤪
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.