Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
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If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.