I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
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new record!
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids