If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British