I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
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A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
The funk soul brother
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]