I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
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[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*