It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
You Might Also Like
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”