*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
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Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow