[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
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I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
wait.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.