I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
How to properly lift a body
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Sharon I have some bad news