do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
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Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I think about this a lot
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here