I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him: