Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
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If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry