At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
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Merica.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Wise advice
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.