The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
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Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Aaaa…CHOO!
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.