“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
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No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. π
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. Iβm opposed to Diabetes.
glad to see theyβre taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
βHey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i didβ
βYou violated the terms of service :)β
βAight but whatd i doβ
βYou violated the terms of service :)β
βElaborate tho??β
*crickets*
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when Iβve abandoned all hope.
Friend: Youβre so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautΓ©e pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth