Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
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If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.