*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
You Might Also Like
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas