I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
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[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing