Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
You Might Also Like
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
These aren’t even hard anymore.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.