COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
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“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”