People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
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Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Lmao
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.