[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
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Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*