ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
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I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.