I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
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Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.