I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
cats when you pet them too long:
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
Whoa 😂
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.