Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
You Might Also Like
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie