DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
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My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
I love you…
…r dog.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons