I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
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TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!