Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
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My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Based Erika
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Something Saturday.
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic