Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
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[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide